Please don't ever utter these words to a pregnant woman.

   When I was pregnant, almost everything annoyed me. The sound of people breathing, skinny people, rainbows, puppies...But there were a few things that irritated me more than others. I was inundated with comments, advice and opinions from everyone under the sun, and I have created a list of the opinions held by some that put them at risk of physical injury.

1. It takes two to make a baby.- this one was usually said to me after complaining that men don't do anything during pregnancy and was usually stated by a man.Without specifying particular gender roles, one member contributes by downing 5 shots of whiskey and a maximum of 7 minutes, while the other endures 40 weeks of torture and 13 hours of intense labor. (Babe, if you read this, I'm totally kidding, you're the man.) 
2. It's all worth it in the end. - This one was like a cheese grater applied directly to my nerves. It's as if by saying this you're suggesting I don't understand the value of my own child's life. Chemotherapy is worth it in the end too once you're in remission, but no one said it was enjoyable. 
3. You look like you're ready to pop!- Shockingly enough, I own a mirror and while I'm only 15 weeks pregnant, I too have noticed I've transformed into a beached whale, but thank you ever so much for noticing!
4. When I was in labor, much like the movie Saw, I was torn to shreds from one hole right to the next.- Dude. Why? Why would you tell me that? And for the record with modern medicine it's possible to forgo all pain with an epidural so I don't feel bad for you. (And to the ladies new to pregnancy, maybe you WILL need stitches, but your body was made to heal. You're not a zombie and wounds don't gape wide open and profusely bleed for the rest of your life.)
5. I went all natural and loved every minute of it!- Well your darling husband begs to differ. During one of your more excruciating contractions you blamed his very existence for your pain, and then demanded a divorce and a gallon of morphine.
6. If you slather vitamin E all over your belly you wont get a single stretch mark!- Not true. Stretch marks are genetic, and the only way you won't get them is if you are lucky enough to have been born to a mother, have an aunt or a grandmother who also didn't get them. 
7. You do know you're allowed to have a glass of wine or a beer once a day during pregnancy?- I could also ride roller coasters all day, go tanning and sumo wrestle if I felt so inclined, but why are you peer pressuring me? In case you've forgotten an untoasted, plain piece of bread made me nauseous, so what do you think alcohol is going to do to me??
8. The first trimester is the worst, but don't worry, it goes by quick.- I don't experience life during pregnancy in weeks and days, I count time by ingested meals that didn't come back up, and seconds until the next nap. So, no, it's not going fast, and are you suggesting the third is easier? I weighed 200 pounds, I couldn't sleep, I peed every 6 seconds, I couldn't climb my own stairs, and there was a small human performing a kickboxing routine against my ribs, bladder and spinal cord. 
9. Get all the sleep you can before the baby comes!- During my last trimester with both babies I slept on average 2-3 hours a night. I didn't get any more sleep before the babies then I did after, and telling me to rest just infuriates me. It's 3 am, I'm running on fumes, and I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN!!! At least after the baby, when you are able to sleep, you can blissfully lay on your stomach. It's truly heaven for all of 15 minutes. 
10.  I never bought a single pair of maternity pants.- Ya, we know. Your belly band is stretched to the limit in an attempt to hide your unzipped, unbuttoned size threes you've barely managed to yank up over your butt. 
11. This one is a silent opinion, but annoying nonetheless. The silent judgement you receive for having the baby blues. First of all everyone is hormonal after a baby because your body is raging with...hormones. I would never take postpartum depression lightly but insinuating a new mom has it because for no reason, she starts to sob at the dinner table is nothing short of ignorant. Postpartum depression is a diagnosed form of clinical depression, whereas the baby blues are similar to a severe bout of PMS. Either way, if you even vaguely suggest someone is suffering from it, your head will be ripped off and used as a new diaper bag. Just. Don't.
12. What if you poop on the delivery table?- Oh please, this doesn't happen. Just kidding, it does, but when you are in the middle of squeezing a human being out of your V, does it really matter? 
13. Any advice on jump starting labor- None of it works, I have literally tried it all. Your kid is stubborn and will come when he or she is good and ready. Similarly two years later when you whisper hiss at them to climb down off the grocery store shelves, they will do so when they please. 
14. Any advice regarding pregnancy and child rearing in general- the moment a woman expels a kid from their privates, they've suddenly ascended to super nanny status and know everything there is to know on mothering. Especially when it comes to women just a mere two weeks behind. They just know. (Rolling my eyes...)
15. You shouldn't be so ungrateful, I would love to be where you are right now.- Perhaps that's true, and my heart goes out to you, but would you please trade me places when I am vomiting so violently I simultaneously piss my pants and start bleeding from my nose?
16. I was all belly!- I hate to be the one to break it to ya sister, but you were belly, butt, thigh, boob, face and ankle too. 

    17. Pregnancy isn't as bad as you're acting (unspoken part here: MAN UP)-I think in an attempt to   keep the human race from going extinct, nature blocks certain gruesome memories from a woman's mind in the hopes she will procreate again, but out of respect for current and future mothers out there, I have forcefully willed myself to remember each and every detail. No one likes a sanctimonious idiot, and empathy means so much to a woman whose intestines have been turned into a human factory. It's all she can do to roll out of bed, go to work, clean the house, take care of the other kids, and she can't have a drink or take anything to relax, so the least you can do is keep your opinions to yourself. Then again, go ahead and say what you're thinking. Nothing would feel better to a hormonal pregnant woman than to poke your eyeballs out.