Saying GOOD BYE to my baby

     This morning I was met with some very unexpected feelings. They come as a shock to me, I had no idea I would suffer such an intense, emotional identity crisis. Since April 7th, 2012, 4 years, one month and one week today, I have been in a particular season of life. My entire existence since that day, my whole schedule, everything about me, has revolved around diaper changes. Every place I've gone to, every home I visit, every doctor appointment, dentist appointment, and church nursery has been a place for me to change dirty diapers, discard them discreetly, or not so discreetly, a place where I've gently and carefully wiped precious little bottoms clean. Poop isn't something most come to find endearing or special, our own, or anyone else's. As mothers however, we have been charged with total care of these little people from the cute and adorable down to the most revolting of tasks. In all actuality it isn't the poop that's important, it's the meaning behind it. They need us for everything, without us they'd be hungry, sick, and soiled. In the same way nursing a child is an intimate and bonding experience, so is being the one person in this world who will wash from their delicate skin that which most wouldn't even come near, without huge sums of money involved and at the very least a wrinkled nose. It may be disgusting, but we do it, without hesitation because they need us. We are everything to them and in turn, our every moment of life from the day they're born until the day they don't use diapers anymore, all aspects of our being orbits around ensuring they never have to feel discomfort.
     When my first born became potty trained, I was elated and proud. Everything he does is new and exciting. A new frontier, a new challenge, I never once felt any sort of loss. I didn't mourn the stage he was leaving, because his little sister was still in that familiar territory that I had grown so accustomed to. No matter what my first does, I always have his sister, still a baby, still needing me for everything. I can enjoy his independence, while still clinging to her babyhood. This morning, though, marks 24 hours wearing Frozen undies in various shades of pink, with not one accident. She even went the entire night without a diaper. She walks herself to the potty, climbs up a step stool, does her business, and then patiently waits for me to come in and wipe her little bottom. She hops down, pulls her pants up, says "thanks mommy!", and runs off to continue whatever it was she was doing when nature's call interrupted. I am beaming with pride over this development, I cannot believe how quickly she figured it all out. However, I had no idea how sad it would make me as well. I didn't mentally prepare myself, I didn't say good bye to my baby girl, I didn't think to cherish every moment I would never get back of her and I alone somewhere, changing diapers. She always talked to me in her little voice, she used to pull on my hair, I remember when she'd lay there and chew on her toes while I rummaged around for the baby wipes. Once you begin to potty train, you can never, ever go back. Once they've learned it, that is the utter end of that season.
     Diapering not only consumes your life from the moment they're born, it also brings with it a sense of identity for momma, and an entire community of diapering mothers welcome you to the sisterhood with open arms. Who am I without my gigantic, obtrusive, bulky, 600 pound diaper bag, that is the bane of my existence?  How many times have I complained about needing to take it with me everywhere I go? How many photos have been taken of me with it on my shoulder or in the background, marking me as a new mother? What will it be like to grocery shop and never again need to steer my cart towards the baby aisle? What will summertime be like without my go-to staple of swim diapers? For so long, this has been who I am, and what I do. I grieve the loss of her baby years, and I grieve the loss of my identity as "mommy-to-babies". The sense of community too, that I have so grown to love and appreciate feels as if it's slipping. How many times have I easily started conversations with other mothers who have children the same age with jokes about diapers, blow outs, baby poop and so on? We all share that, and you could be anywhere, run out of baby wipes and someone in the vicinity in the same stage as you could offer up a few of her own.
     I have started a whole new phase, and don't get me wrong, the thought of how much money we will save alone, has me absolutely jumping with joy, not to mention the insufferable bragging rights I now have as far as having both kids potty trained and out of diapers, but there is still a persistent sense of loss I can't seem to shake this morning. I am no longer a mommy to infants. I am no longer ever going to change another diaper ever again. I will never frantically search for a changing table out in public. My regret is not paying enough attention to each and every second I was in charge of babies. After so long, I started to be set on auto-pilot and now that that task is forever a part of my personal motherhood history book, I can't help but feel grief. When one stage ends, an entirely new one begins, bringing with it, it's own set of hardships and joys. I am so looking forward to this second part of mommyhood, I am thrilled my bag will now be considerably less heavy, I am pleased for her, watching her beam with pride over her own accomplishments, but allow me this small moment to say good bye to my babies. I will genuinely miss the smell of warm morning diapers, the fluffy butts inside tight, baby pants, the bow legged toddle of a full diaper, and the chubby bunny look of a little girl, in just a diaper, running around the yard or house. You were a pleasure to care for baby girl, and I can't wait to see what this new season of life brings us! So long baby, and cheers to officially being a kid!
     My only advice, as trite as it may be, to new moms is to enjoy every second. As exhausting and inconvenient as it all may be, once it's over, you will never again see your child in diapers. Some things you can't get back, so take lots of pictures, try to soak in that special time between you and baby as you clean them up (not literally, that's gross) and know that someday they won't need you for that anymore, and that is a special, God given honor to be the one who they rely on for everything. <3